"i did not live until today"

so much to say. but i have no words to say it. today has been amazing. there are no words to describe the wonderfulness of today. it was such a complete, lovely day. full of love.

i love everything about this day. oh, that it would never end!

and it's not like i just loved the day as a whole, i loved every single thing that happened. every single wonderful thing. (although, there was a moment where i lamented about my lost teal jacket. it's been two years. 5 may was the anniversary.)

but - this day. wonderful. i screamed in excitement many times. I STILL cannot stop smiling. i bet out of this 24-hour day, i have smiled ear-to-ear for about 14 hours.

this is one for the history books. if i can find words, i will explain. promise.

until then - happy mother's day.



me and my gorgeous mother!!!! she's incredible and i love her so much.


<3

ps: song

check this out! it's Cobra Starship featuring Leighton Meester!!! a new song!

FIERCE.

ah HA!!!!

Hilary Duff thought no one would notice that she wore the same dress as Kate Winslet!!!!! well, apparently Hilary has never heard of ME.



Hilary shown here, wearing this dress in a mustard color. i think it's a poor color choice for her. this was from this past wednesday, i believe.



Kate shown here, at one of the premieres for The Reader. SAME DRESS, better color.


Hilary's dress is a bit shorter than Kate's, so she must have had it shortened. but, i've analyzed them quite thoroughly and it's the same dress.

YOU'RE WELCOME. i haven't seen anyone else on the internet point out this fashion revelation. you saw it here first.

talk to you later!!!!!

<3

tried and tired

WHOA LONG DAY. let's re-live it now, shall we?

(- first of all, i had another dream about work last night. and it was so realistic, it was scary. basic premise: all the girls got in trouble for something. but, it was the way that my boss spoke to them and the way the whole sitch was handled that was exactly like it would have been. like, exactly. it was scary. also, i need a day off please. ireland come soon.)
- up at 6:30
- to the daycare at 7:25
- back to the house by 8
- cell phone dramz. there WAS a cell phone! me and charlene confronted her in the living room. stuff went down. not really though. she was hiding it in her bra. she gave it to us. we did a room search anyways. didn't find anything else.
- back upstairs at 8:30
- back to bed because i was completely exhausted
- receive a text message at 9 - it was my coworker, the baby's mother, saying they wouldn't be here until 10:30, not 9:30 like planned
- oh, this was great news. it meant i got to sleep longer.
- sleeeeeeeeep
- up at 10:20
- baby doesn't come until 11
- she's so cute!
- i feed her her bottle. she was in a good mood.
- she starts falling asleep.
- i change her diaper. ah, much better.
- i rock her because she's yawning and trying to fight a nap. why would she want to fight a nap?? i didn't understand.
- so, i get her asleep. put her in the carseat, bring it into my bedroom, set it on the floor right next to my bed.
- julie takes a nap too. a mom nap.
- julie napped from 12:45-2:10. baby napped from 12:30-3.
- i kind of woke her up at 3 because i knew she'd be hungry. she was!
- she ate 3 ounces no problem.
- her mom came at 4. i was supposed to work at 3:30, but there was a situation downstairs and baby's mom needed to stay later, so, i ended up watching the baby until around 5. which was fine.
- went downstairs. nobody is there! well, there's one resident. we hang out with her baby.
- then everybody came back and we had supper together. cheeseburgers. from the government. thanks, gov.
- then, it was a super busy night. two of the girls just wanted to fight with everybody. fight and argue. there's been a lot of that lately. one of them wanted to fight with me. i didn't want to fight with her. she was still pretty rude to me, but apologized later. it was okay.
- courtney took two of the girls to kmart.
- then one thing right right right after the other. like, everytime the phone would ring me and courtney would just look at eachother like, "are you kidding me?!" it was totally insane for about 20 minutes.
- then finally peace and quiet. we finished up work. said goodnight.
- i'm upstairs for......maybe half an hour and then i get a phone call. (warning:: explicit language)

GIRL 1: Hi, um, GIRL 2 is puking and shitting her brains out.

great. just what i wanted to deal with. so, i go downstairs to make sure GIRL 2 is alright. she's not really, and is going to take a bath. weird, because she had been feeling fine all night. i really hope it's not the swine flu because if one girl gets it, we'll all get it. just like the stomach flu and every single cold.

anyways, i told GIRL 2 to call me again when she got out of the bath to let me know how she was feeling.

she called a bit later and said she was feeling a little better and was just going to try and sleep it off. i told her to call me if she needed anything. and i haven't heard from her, so i hope she's sleeping.

aw man those baby rock lullabyes just came on my iTunes playlist. i can't stay awake much longer. those things are deadly.

- after that, i watched Grey's Anatomy from last week. i was going to watch Lost. lately i feel like watching Lost is a chore. i just don't want to do it, but i feel like i have to. i'm just over it. but, i still have my whole theory on how it will end.
- Grey's was good. cried a lot. there was a story between two sisters and their names were Julie and Karen. i thought that was strange. and Julie was played by Lucy from ER!!!! the one who got stabbed with John Carter on Valentine's Day by the main guy's friend in 10 Things I Hate About You. not Heath Ledger, but the nerd kid who's in love with Alex Mack. the kid from Brick.
- after Grey's i did nothing. and now i'm talking to you and falling asleep. so, i'm going to bed now.

sorry this entry was kind of lame. it was more business than pleasure. anyways. i'll write a better one soon. friday i don't have anything planned. i am going to sleep a lot i think. and i'm very excited for it.

lovetoyou.

rockabye baby

i hate that song. Rockabye Baby. um, it's about a baby falling out of a tree. who wrote that and why is it supposed to be soothing??? hm. apparently 'Rockabye Baby' might have been the first poem written on American soil.

**update** i just heard a loud thud coming from downstairs. it sounded suspicious, so i went down to investigate. i found nothing "thud related" but did find something.......

so i'm walking through the hallway very cautiously in case there is an intruder. walk past one room, she's got her music blaring. another room, she's got Winnie the Pooh book on tape playing. and then....i hear another voice. i think to myself, "oh geeze, girls are having gossip time". so, i walk to where the voice is coming from. and something is not right. there is only one voice. and there is only one explanation:

CELL PHONE. we had suspected that one of the girls had a secret cell phone because she's been super tired during the days and blames it on her baby in the night. now, i said the other day during staff meeting that i had never heard her get up with the baby in the night. so then, why is she so tired? she's always in her room and obeys curfew. why? CELL PHONE.

so, i walked into her room and asked her if she was talking to anybody. she just happened to be awake. she said she wasn't talking to anyone. i said okay. i didn't want to get into it in the middle of the night, but oh - there will be tomorrow.

ah ha! if i bring it up early enough in the morning she'll have no time to get rid of it. this is how we operate.

anyways. the walk through the house was curious overall. something just didn't feel right about it. and there was no explanation for that thud.

******

so, i finished watching Empire Falls tonight. that HBO movie i had started. MAN. the second half took a turn for the dark side that i wasn't expecting. it left me in tears and shaking! yikes! it was good. heavy, but good.

i also had the little baby all day today. went pretty well. she was sleeping when i got her around 10:30. here was her routine all day: sleep, wake up, cry, not eat, sleep, wake up, cry, not eat, sleep, wake up, cry, not have a dirty diaper, sleep, wake up, eat, play, eat, sleep, wake up, cry.

and then her mother came for her. it was kind of a stressful day because it seemed that nothing could make her happy. except for a little playing on the floor. she liked it when Tigger would come in and kiss her face. i read her a book called, "What Do Bunnies Do All Day?" i saw this book in her toy bag and thought, "yeah! what do bunnies do all day?!?!" turns out, they ask their mothers for permission to go play by themselves, and then they hang out with some other animal friends, eat, take a nap in the sun, drink from the stream, and then go home to their mothers again. bunny mystery = SOLVED!

last night was a weird sleeping night. i think i went to bed around 2am. and then starting like, at 3am was waking up every 20 or so minutes thinking the worst. and in between all those times i was dreaming that i slept through my morning shift and nobody called me. and then i was sad because that meant that nobody needed me.

and i thought about it and decided, "well, yeah, the daycare workers have keys to unlock the door. they have the keys to the med cabinet so they can give out meds. i guess they don't really need me."

and this dream comes right after my post the other night where i said i wished i had a cat so someone would be happy to see me when i came home.

i guess i always get lonely in the springtime. i feel that this time is more though, because i have nobody.

and i've worked every single day since 23 february. only 16 more days to go and then i have 2.5 weeks off.

i just read my LJ from last year on May 7th, and Kerianne and i were sewing together the pieces of fabric for the Party on the Pav. i totally remember that night. and then we were having cinnamon rolls in the APL the next night. have there been any cinnamon roll nights this year? i bet not.

aw man i really miss the airport lounge. i just reread my last entry working there. (tearjerker)

so. today while i had the baby i wanted to listen to music, but couldn't decide what would be appropriate for a 7-week old. i thought - lullabye.

so i downloaded a bunch of those 'lullabye version of rock songs' for us to listen to. my favorite is Strawberry Fields Forever. i also really like Clocks (coldplay) and Sunday Bloody Sunday (u2). but, strawberry fields forever is my fave. also good is Karma Police by Radiohead. yeah, you should give them a listen. the baby seemed to like them too.

also, kara and i are in the midst of planning a road trip from Maine to Argentina. i had this idea a while ago. and kara totally shot it down. then, she's suddenly all interested in south america and is totally spearheading the road trip planning committee. these guys from maine did it recently and reading their blog is quite interesting. so, we're planning on making the trip after we both get our Canadian passports.

and i bought some iced raspberry mate today in honor of argentina. delish!

so thursday, today, i am have the baby from 9:30-3:30 and then i'm working rom 3:30-10. long day! friday i have nothing to do. saturday = big day. sunday = mother's day.

***
i decided........YES.
***

here was my reasoning: last year around this time i took a super huge risk. i won't go into it, but i certainly remember. (hampshire college......public safety.......) ok, so there, i just reminded us all. and, although this new risk is totally different and completely unrelated to that first risk, i think i will make it a tradition.

SPRINGTIME RISK. that's what i like to call it. oh geeze. this risk makes me feel the same sick as last year's Springtime Risk. like, butterflies.

but - it's done. i'm doing it. it will be good. i may never tell you what it is or was. but, maybe i will. i probably will. but only after it's done. i can't think about it until then. or actually, can't stop thinking about it. OVER. ENOUGH. DONE.

ok. i'm going to bed now. i'm extrememly tired. i think tomorrow i will nap when the baby naps. just like a mom. i should wear mom jeans and have the pizza rolls in the oven when the boys come home from soccer practice.

tonight starts my regular thursday shift with Courtney! we were talking about how awesome it will be. we're gonna rock.

OH. OMG. did anyone read/watch the CNN video about that girl who was killed in the car accident and then all her accident photos ended up online!?! and they're super gory and inappropriate. i watched this story and immediately started crying. i feel SO TERRIBLE for her parents that they have to go through all this. i absolutely cannot imagine. and then to read some of the things people are saying about her? such mean things. calling her awful and hateful things. how could people be so mean? i will never understand it.

alright. now to bed. i'm upset now. again. and still lonely.


dreams have but one owner at a time. that is why dreamers are lonely.
- erma bombeck

<3

how about some dessert???

mmm....delicious....

:)

nothing is happening

it's all illusion. it's all confusion.

quiet night. for once. the first night where i don't have to be a police officer. the girls heard tonight that if they don't start shaping up and respecting curfew they will lose their home weekends.

like last night, i found two girls hanging out in one of their bedrooms. i asked one to leave. she refused. she wouldn't even acknowledge i was standing there. i gave her like, 5 chances to leave the room. she kept refusing. whatever.

so. the baby was good for me. she slept until her mother came to pick her up at 6:30. tomorrow i have her from 10-5. i think i told you that already. i'm kind of nervous. just because we're not used to each other yet. she's a sweetie.

so, my favorite ten-month old little girl is here tonight, and i went to her bedroom to say goodnight and to make sure her mom had the baby monitor on, and this little girl - omg - she's the best. her mom was just holding her, and she just started laughing! like, seriously laughing with the biggest smile! and her mom gave her a little stuffed animal to hold and she just loved it!! laughing and smiling. oh, it was the best. she's got the greatest laugh.

too bad though, her mom has the radio playing in her room and it's this hard core rock music. like the kind with the screaming and the guys with scary painted faces. that's what i imagine at least. and i've got to sleep with that too. great. i'm sure i'll have nice dreams.

not like my Ghosts of Girlfriends Past dream on monday night.

i finished my work for my medication certification class!!! the last few worksheets were tougher than the rest. they gave you scenerios and you had to write what you would do.

for example:
1. what would you do if someone was refusing to take their medications?
2. what would you do if you suspected a teen was addicted to her controlled medication after having knee surgery?

good stuff. i didn't know that they have the right to refuse their meds. i learned that tonight.

went to walgreens tonight to buy more conditioner. they had completely moved the Burt's Bees section so i had to ask where it was. good story, eh?

so, i'm thinking i'll plan on walking to the mailbox after i get off work at 8am. i have Footloose waiting for me, but the window won't be open yet. um, that's lame. the window should be open.

THE POST OFFICE SHOULD BE OPEN LATER.

dear usps:

hire me! i'll work the late shift at the post office! say, 6pm until 9pm. that's it! you have to cater to the people who don't wake up until late afternoon/don't like to go out in the daytime.

love, julie

no, i wouldn't mind working in the post office. with all those nice people. there are two nice ladies and one nice man. and, if it was late like that, all the mail would be sorted. all i would have to do was window service. i bet they would do good business.

things for the post office to do:
1. hire night staff
2. reduce the rate of stamps to $0.00

that's all.

maybe i'll finish my curtain tomorrow when the baby is asleep. or, maybe i'll make some jewelery. or, watch a movie.

i bet the baby would like High School Musical 3. can't watch anything with bad language or violence. babies don't want to see or hear that. even if they can't understand it yet.

so, one of the girls asked me to read an essay they had written tonight. she is trying to get into this program called Job Corps next year. in Bangor, Maine. and she had written her applicant essay. i was happy she asked me to read it. i was actually really surprised with how well-written it was. i thought she did an excellent job. and she was very happy to hear that.

well. i think i'll head to bed soon. i decided today that there is nothing better than being in bed.

i also really wish i had a cat. i don't think i can live alone anymore. it's too sad. to come home and have nobody happy to see you.

i wouldn't get a cat before i got my allergies under control, though. i would definitely need something stronger. something not OTC. a prescription, controlled medication. (i'm using my new terms that i've learned) i also can't afford it right now.

i also wish i had a couch. i think it would make sitting down with a baby easier.

oh, i have a message for kara. KARA. today in staff meeting Randy was making a fruit salad for everybody, and he had some bananas and he peeled them from the bottom! just like you said is the right way. and he said his sister (i think) is a chef.

ok. i think that's all right now. i'm going to bed. have lovely wednesdays. week's half over.

<3

let's focus on tomorrow, instead of right now.

baby!!!

the most beautiful baby girl is sleeping in my living room right now. right next to me in her car seat. omg she is beautiful. she has the biggest brown eyes i've ever seen on a little baby. and really soft curly dark hair.

i'm going to start babysitting her a few days a week for a couple week. her mother is a co-worker of mine who is just coming back from maternity leave. and she didn't want to put her in daycare right away, so she has asked me. YES!

so today, i had her from 4:30 until 6:30. it was later because of staff meeting. tomorrow, i have her from 10 until 5. and then thursday from 9:30 until 3:30.

but, she's awesome. i love her.

last night was a fun one. i was busy with walk-thrus.

went to sleep around 2:45. up at 6:30. bed again at 7:45. up again at noon. and last night i had a 5 hour nap. yikes i've been sleeping a lot.

tonight i have to finish that medication class. i keep forgetting about it. my final two assignments are due on friday.

happy cinco de mayo.

last night i had a dream that i went to go see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. and i liked it. and i'm not ashamed to admit it.

started watching the HBO movie Empire Falls last night. it takes place in Maine, and i think it was filmed in Maine also. so far it's pretty good. about this small textile town on the coast and the different families who run the town and founded the town and who have lived there for ever. and they kind of feud. Ed Harris. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Robin Wright Penn. Paul Newman. Helen Hunt. Aiden Quinn. other people who i recognize. Merideth's mother from Grey's Anatomy.

i just made toast with peanut butter and nutella. it was delish. Zac Efron puts nutella on his sandwich in 17 Again. i liked that part.

there was a huge bird in the tree right outside my window today. i think it was a crow. we have mutant crows around here. they are so big. anyways, it was sitting in the tree and i didn't like it. it looked like it was gathering information about me and was then going to report back to some evil, higher power.

baby is still sleeping. she's so tiny. i don't even think she weighs 7 pounds. her skin is so soft.

anybody seen the steamy clips from the new Robert Pattinson movie? i didn't know this movie was even being made. he plays Salvador Dali and some other guy plays Federico Garcia Lorca. yeah, i'll see it. i didn't even know their relationship existed. hott!

alright. off to wash a baby bottle. have lovely wednesdays!!!!!!! wait. i mean, tuesdays! have lovely tuesday nights!!! and then tomorrow, have a good wednesday!!!!

talk to you soooooon, friends.

<3

a choice

OK. i need your help with something. i need to make a decision. a make or break decision. a YES or a NO. i'm not telling you what it is, just know that i get all fluttery over it. here is some side info:

- i could end up regretting either decision
- a YES decision could be either major regret or majorly wonderful
- a NO decision would be plain old regret
- heart says yes
- mind says no
- there's also the fear. a YES decision also comes with a lot of fear.
- a NO decision is not scary at all
- YES means money
- NO means no money

and there you have it. help, por favor.

so, now i'm going to bed because i have to wake up early on monday and drive to Portsmouth, NH to go to court. i'm not posting my court outfit because i'm still not sure what i'm going to wear. i tried on about 100 outfits this evening and was never really satisfied. i'm possibly going to alter my first court outfit a little. the purple and yellow. we'll see.

it will be weird being so close to home, but not being home. and being "home" on work-related business. i miss home.

but, okay. i'm off to bed now, friends. have a lovely start to your week. first week in may. yikes!

"i can't believe a year went by so fast"

<3